And if those ducks have got to stay then I'm going to fly away.

Upcoming events at the library:

Making Networking Work Nets For Your Small Business. 24 March, 1:00 pm, Banana Room.

Social networking guru H Franklin Apostrophe reviews ways the small business owner can use the Internet to become confident that nobody's paying attention. Demonstrations include showing how even the spambots stop following you for being ``boring''. Attendees will be given a pamphlet of retired PowerPoint slides in yellow text on a grey background. Apostrophe is the author of multiple bestselling tweets including, ``Think I just pranked a co-worker into believing she has to keep her eyes closed for 12 hours before cornea surgery'' and the sequel ``Or she just topped my joke? #dunno''.

We Thought We'd Have Time To React. 27 March, 3:30 am, Sneak around back, password, ``interpunct''.

E Gail Asterism, visitor from the not-distant-enough-future, explains how animal-motion studies put motion-powered robotic devices onto slugs and snails. That they would turn basic sensory devices into ray guns was foreseen, thanks to a series of time travellers warning us all, but it was hard to feel any urgency until it was too late, sometime next month. Attendees must take oaths of vertebration. We aren't going to be fooled on this one again.

Dropping Up, 27 March, noon, north wall, Glurp Ballroom.

Have you wondered about all those people living on the ceilings? How they spend their whole lives there, building their own society and culture? How angry they are at all those knives people toss up? Upper author H Roscoe Guillemet explains non-sarcastically how the culture started, how it thrives, and what advantages there are to being perpetually upside-down, or as Uppers regard it, ``out of spitting range''.

3 and 4: Big Couple or Small Several?, 28 March, 10:29 am, Milkweed Pollen Center.

U Walter Ellipses and S Kim Tilde engage in a surprisingly violent argument about whether ``three or four'' things can still be called a ``couple'' of things, or have to be ``several''. You say nobody cares, yes, but you had a reaction, so drop in just to say how it's obviously whatever. Within four minutes you'll be part of the hurling of insults, crumpled-up paper, cream pies, shoes, rusted-out VW engines, volunteer ducks, wireless keyboards, and people sitting next to you at people sitting not quite next to you. Spectator tickets are available for $10 and proof you can go fifteen minutes without expressing an opinion about three and four, which you can't.

Past events at the library:

Belts: Their Theory and Application. 14 March, 2:25 pm, Cavendish Beltway.

J Annabelle Comma reviews the concept of belts. The physics of the problem shows they can't possibly work and even if they could work while standing perfectly still, arms at the side, in a still breeze, not falling over backwards after hearing a comic punchline of the 1920s, they'd still fall off as soon as something happens, like the moon continues in its orbit or maybe a chicken exists. No casual head nudity involved, which is why Mr Apostrophe was told the wrong meeting room, as he's puts almost no thought into what's not on his head.

Household Waterway Management, 16 March, 5:10 am, Natatorium Room.

G Crosswick Interpunct discusses techniques of managing large bodies of flowing water in one's house, while her duck Phyllis accompanies on piccolo trumpet. An audience volunteer is needed to assist with fingering. No familiarity with boating regulations is assumed, and experience in parades is inappropriate. They will be checking at the door so it's probably just as well you missed it. One attendee will be given a tidal flat and shown how to fit it into a linen closet.

Current events at the library:

DUCK!

Seriously, one just waddled into the Children's Section and returned something by E B White. With corrections written in the margins. The duck's editing isn't all that insightful, especially since a lot of the pages are about whether a mouse could really ride a motorcycle and we're pretty sure that was Beverly Cleary, but when you consider it's copy editing done by a duck, that's pretty impressive. Hurry. Right now.

Trivia: The in-house journal of the Otis Elevator company, The Indicator, began publication in Chicago in 1908. Source: Otis: Giving Rise To The Modern City, Jason Goodwin.

Currently Reading: 4th of July, Asbury Park: A History Of The Promised Land, Daniel Wolff. But the city's story turns out to be kinda Bruce, Methodists, Bruce, Klan, Bruce, Riots, Bruce. (There's some leaps in narrative time.)

PS: Proving A Number Is Not 1, or, going through the pattern that's been used to prove a bunch of stuff successfully, and showing where it doesn't work, because nobody ever goes through proofs and shows when they don't work.