When you're all alone pick up the phone

[austin_dern]

Sorry to be late; unexpectedly went without Internet access for an expected day and then an unexpected night. Story to follow.

[ Setting: An old castle, obviously haunted. Characters: ANDREW and BELLA, living; GHOST, ghost. The genders of characters are irrelevant and may be swapped to match available performers; recommend ANNIE, BOB as alternate names. ANDREW and BELLA speak in English; Ghost, in German. Recommended staging: actors speak English with mildly exaggerated accents to match the language the characters speak, as seen in Allo, Allo, at least the first couple years when anyone could stand that show. Action begins as ANDREW and BELLA enter. ]

Andrew: ``Always pop across streets'', you say.

Bella: I don't, but you asked where we should go.

Andrew: We're reaching parts of the world that don't even have words for ``tour group''.

Bella: We weren't seeing anything on the group tour anyway.

Andrew: They were too busy showing us things like where the bathroom is.

[ GHOST materializes, catching ANDREW's attention, but not BELLA's. He really is speaking German but that's far too unwieldy in script form, so pretend. ]

Ghost: Intruders! Interlopers! How dare you invade my space!

Andrew: What?

Bella: What what?

Ghost: Are you ready to face the horrors of the afterlife?

Andrew: There's a ghost here. Right behind you.

Bella: Knock that off. [ But she does look around. ]

Ghost: Listen to me!

Andrew: Look, sorry, ghost, just a second, would you?

Bella: Why would you see a ghost? I'm the one who's actually interested in them. Er --- is it just the one? What's it doing?

Andrew: He's yelling at us in German.

Bella: You're stereotyping. Well ... Hello, Mister Ghost? Neither of us speak German, I'm sorry. Er ... we ... uh ... us ... nous?

Andrew: Herr and Frau?

Bella: Yeah, Herr and Frau ... nich? Sprachen Deutsch. Sorry.

[ GHOST slaps his head. ]

Andrew: Do you speak English? Sprachen ze ... English?

Ghost: Nein!

Andrew: He says no.

Bella: That figures. Uh, how are you in French?

Andrew: That's what we have the guide book for.

Bella: Not you, the ghost. Sprachen ze ... French ... ais?

[ GHOST rubs his forehead. ]

Ghost: [ Carefully ] Je ne parle francais.

Andrew: [ After expectant waiting ] pas.

Bella: Pah?

Ghost: Bah.

Andrew: Well, I know that much. Je ne parle pas francais.

Bella: I know you don't, but our ghost?

Andrew: He doesn't either. He doesn't even say ``I don't speak French'' right.

[ BELLA takes out the guide book, reads in it. ]

Andrew: Berlitz can't have a section on handling the supernatural.

Bella: There's got to be something we can apply here. At lesat we can ask to let me see him. Is he still there? Have him wait a second.

Andrew: Are you still --- Ist thou still there-en?

[ GHOST glares, witheringly. ]

Andrew: Still interested. [ To GHOST ] Just un petit pou, please.

[ GHOST turns and glides off-stage a second. ]

Andrew: No, we're losing him.

Bella: Blast it, hang on. [ Calling out, in French ] ``Someone has forgotten their toast!''

Andrew: What was that?

Bella: [ In English ] ``Someone has forgotten their toast.''

Andrew: Why would you say that to a ghost?

Bella: You said he was running off. I had to say something.

Andrew: I think you're supposed to say things that anyone could have a response to.

Bella: You responded.

Andrew: If I didn't know you I wouldn't have anything to answer you about unless I had a surplus of grape jelly.

[ GHOST, holding his own language guide, reenters. ]

Bella: We could have got a real, sincere, meaningful message from the afterlife and we blow it because we don't know German.

Andrew: It mostly sounded like he was angry.

Bella: Again, stereotyping.

Andrew: Hang on, he's back.

Bella: [ In French ] ``Someone has forgotten their toast!''

[ GHOST looks aback, then flips through the guide, and hesitantly speaks in French; ANDREW repeats it, several words at a time, while BELLA looks it up. ]

Ghost: ``The cheese of my uncle is on the button-hook of my sister.''

Bella: Ah! All right, here. ``My briefcase will not fit in the notebook of my telephone.''

Ghost: [ With ANDREW repeating as above ] ``Greedy flag-wavers need no potato pancakes.''

Bella: ``When hamsters sneeze, children whistle.''

Ghost: ``The WC is in the C Wing.''

Bella: The ... oh! Oh, thank you, we needed one.

Andrew: Which way is the C wing?

[ GHOST points back the way they came, then points left. ]

Andrew: Thanks! See you later!

[ ANDREW leads BELLA off, waving. ]

Ghost: Tourists.

Trivia: In 1802 a 40-foot high tower was constructed in Richmond, Virgia, by Benjamin Henfrey, with a thermolamp on top to illuminate the town. Briefly. Source: Disenchanted Night: The Industrialization of Light in the 19th Century, Wolfgang Schivelbusch.

Currently Reading: Coronation Commentary, Geoffrey Dennis. Got this at a used-book store; it was written to chat about the recent history of the monarchy in the run-up to the crowning of his new and much-beloved majesty, King Edward VIII. There's also an amusing Publisher's Note about some amendments needed and a couple chapters put on the end based on just how exactly this all worked out, you understand.