Should have been somebody else

[austin_dern]

``Anything good in the newspaper?''

- [ Grunts. ]

``Growls and exclamations are not an answer. Try in a more civilized manner. Anything good in the newspaper?''

- ``A growl is a perfectly good answer when it's the most fitting response to the question.''

``And what state does the newspaper have to be in for a grunt to answer my question?''

- ``I did not grunt; I growled.''

``It's to the same effect.''

- ``It does not. A growl indicates a general dissatisfaction with the material being discussed. A grunt indicates that one cannot even work up the enthusiasm to be dissatisfied.''

``I heard a grunt.''

- ``I'm not accountable for what you hear.''

``I take it that you are generally dissatisfied with what you read in the newspaper.''

- ``You understand me perfectly.''

``And I can only wonder why.''

- ``You finally know me well enough.''

``What is in the newspaper that has you generally dissatisfied?''

- ``It's this column about the incredible, the discreditable, or other miscellaneous things that they imagine we would not have guessed.''

``There's many things I would not have guessed. I've never guessed what vitamins they say are in skin lotion, for example.''

- ``Why would you put vitamins in skin lotion?''

``I never would; I buy them pre-vitamined.''

- ``What guesses would you make about them?''

``I can't work up the enthusiasm to make guesses. So what are they supposing you'd never guess that's got you so generally dissatisfied with what you read?''

- ``Here. One claim this article makes. Do you know the shortest English word --- ''

``A.''

- ``I wasn't --- ''

``Oh, you're right. I is shorter still unless you're in Courier.''

- ``I wasn't finished. Do you know the shortest English word not currently in use as an acronym?''

``Let's see. 'Me'?''

- ``Metrologists East. Society of people who talk about measuring things.''

``They list that there?''

- ``They list many common guesses there.''

``Vial.''

- ``Virginian Interpretive Athletes League.''

``You're making that up.''

- ``I never would.''

``What would an `Interpretive Athletes League even be?''

- ``You don't protest the 'Virginia' part?''

``My imagination is broad enough to concede that if there were such a thing as an `Interpretive Athletes League' then there may easily be regional associations for the same purpose.''

- ``You'll go along with regional associations for an association you can't believe exists.''

``If athletes need anything, surely Virginian athletes need it too.''

- ``Except help getting to Virginia.''

``There's nothing keeping athletes trapped in Virginia and once out they might not be able to get back on their own.''

- ``I'm glad you're being reasonable about this.''

``But they don't need an interpretive league.''

- ``You imagine that every person innately understands everything that an athlete might do?''

``I don't. In fact, I understand everything athletes do except athletics. That seems to be choosing to do a lot of exertion and sweating to me.''

- ``Ah! Then my point is proved.''

``Not if you want full credit, it's not.''

- ``Athletes do many peculiar things, though.''

``Granted.''

- ``And they have reasons for most of them.''

``I suppose, but who knows what they are?''

- ``Many athletes and many non-athletes do.''

``I see where you're going with this.''

- ``So to come to an understanding of what the athletes are doing and why requires some interpretation be done? Some translation of the deed to the thoughts behind it?''

``And your claim is that since this has to be done, it's probably better done by a particular organization devoted to doing it better?''

- ``Hence this interpretive league.''

``And once there's a league there's a regional version for Virginia.''

- ``Also the Delmarva peninsula.''

``For convenience, I suppose.''

- ``But not non-peninsular Maryland.''

``The result, no doubt, of a long series of bitter quarrels about territory and bragging rights.''

- ``Precisely.''

``Bunk.''

- ``What's that?''

``I don't believe a word you're saying.''

- ``You're saying you are generally dissatisfied with the contents of this newspaper article?''

``I'm dissatisfied with your report of its contents.''

- ``So you admit the justness of my growl.''

``It was a grunt.''

- ``But I was right.''

``So what was the shortest word not used as an acronym?''

- ``They say there isn't one.''

``What?''

- ``They say there is no shortest word not used as an acronym.''

``Unbelievable. That's worth cancelling the paper for.''

- ``Thank you.''

Trivia: The parasol and shades for the Skylab repair mission were not loaded into the Skylab 2/1 command module until about 2 am the day of scheduled launch, 25 May 1973. Source: Deke!, Donald K Slayton, Michael Cassutt.

Currently Reading: A Geography Of New Jersey: The City In The Garden, Charles A Stansfield Jr.

Comments

[chefmongoose.livejournal.com]

I did enjoy the banter in this, quite aplenty.

[austin-dern.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I like doing ones where I can banter, but I worry about getting so caught up on small talk that I lose track of the big points.

I'd originally figured on having a series of ridiculous claims being examined, but ended up spending so much time on the one that the others had to be dumped. (Or, probably, used in a later column.)

[sennard.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I expanded this, the discontinuity sentence ( Sorry to be late... ) certainly gave a different impression. Some sort of 3rd party commenter who had just arrived to turn the couple off from newspapers altogether.

Given the newspaper content, I'd have suspected it was a slow news day. I'd have called the newspaper right up and requested a faster news day tomorrow!

[austin-dern.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you expanded too, and that you enjoyed the result.

These kinds of dialogues are a lot of fun to write, but figuring just how to fit in the Livejournal cut is an art I haven't quite got yet. I'm certain it'd be too obnoxious to fill friends' friends pages with forty paragraphs of text, but I also want people to be interested in how things turn out, and sometimes including the closing line (and proof there is a closing, not just a stop) seems fair.